Faced with crises, tense situations, difficulties that seem major or even insurmountable or simply the knots that we make in our brain for more or less serious things, we know that we have to know how to let go ! Admit that you don't control everything, accept that some things are beyond you, put up with the fact that you don't have all the power to change things and finally look at the situation from another point of view, with more scope and serenity. Yes, but how do you do it ? Because letting go is not intuitive and it is even more difficult in complex situations, we give you some practical tips to train you in the art of letting go without giving up.
1/ Letting go is not the imperative
Have you noticed the effect it has on you when, while you're doing circles on yourself while having your head in the handlebars in a hamster wheel, someone comes up to you and says "Let go " ? No matter how much you say " It's for your own good ", there's a good chance that you want to let go at first... slaps !
So, there's no need to say to yourself either, " But finally, I have to let go! I have to let go ." Because letting go is not the same as the imperative. This makes perfect sense : to let go is to give up control. However, if you are in the middle of an anxiety phase where your control reflexes are playing the ball to the fullest, there is one thing among all that you cannot control, and that is the loss of control !
Letting go is anything but on injunction. Instead of saying to yourself, " Let go ," ask yourself, " What can happen if I let go ?" List the risks, from the most trivial to the most cataclysmic, that would result from the fact that you did not take matters into your own hands.
Practice exercise : Practice on a moderately stakes personal situation, in which you know you tend to take control. For example, preparing meals or organizing vacations. What can happen if you don't get a grip on the handle ? In the worst case, we won't have dinner/go on vacation ; at an intermediate level of risk, we will have dinner later and maybe the meal will not be very balanced/we will spend the holidays in a less nice place than last year; At a low level of risk, those around you will complain a little before becoming autonomous and taking their share of responsibility. It's already better when you've mapped the risks !
2/ Question your relationship to control
Letting go is the most difficult thing for " control freaks ", perfectionists and those anxious about the deception complex! Perhaps it is time to question one's relationship to control : what is at stake when one feels the need to have control over everything, when one nurtures the belief that one can and must act to change the course of things, when one cannot stand the fact that events unfold differently than one had planned ?
In psychoanalysis, we speak of omnipotence or a fantasy of omnipotence : what is at stake is a very deeply buried fear, from the fetal stage according to some theories, of experiences of detachment and dependence. In other words, we have control reflexes when we fear losing something or missing something. But what ? The feeling of existing ? The esteem and recognition of others ? The impression of security ? Trust (in oneself, in others)? Power? The attention and love of one's loved ones?
Ask yourself about the hidden fears that interfere with your need for control... To get to know them and start to soothe them outside of situations where they take over.
Workout : Identify an immediate concern that runs through your professional life (for example : the need for recognition or the need to approach perfection or the importance of the organization to you). Try to identify what happens to you when this expectation is disappointed (for example : effects on self-esteem, on confidence in oneself and in others, on the sense of belonging, etc.). Relate these emotions to similar feelings in your personal experience (for example : fear of being less loved, of losing your bearings, of being misunderstood, etc.). You can then look at your professional life as a space of empowerment where you have the power not to reproduce the relational patterns of your intimate past.
3/ Experiment with homeopathic letting go
When you're told to let go, you sometimes feel like you're being asked to throw yourself into the void. But letting go is not the same as letting go of everything! On the other hand, you can give a little slack to some things, to reserve all your concentration for others. Come on, let's try it, in homeopathic doses to start with : let go of small things, which don't have big consequences. Experience the benefits you get by lightening your mental load...
And when you're ready, give ballast to a second point of tension... Then, little by little, get rid of most of the superfluous obligations that you have become accustomed to imposing on yourself.
Training exercise: At the beginning of the weekend, or better at the beginning of the holidays, refrain from giving in to the temptation to organize meals or outings or the times when everyone goes to the bathroom. Observe your feelings : at first, you may feel frustrated, feel guilty, or be upset that it is getting out of hand. Stand your ground and observe what is happening around you : are others empowered ? Do they approach you with explicit requests or do they expect you to intuitively understand their needs ?
Do they pay less attention to you as they take on their responsibilities? Then note your mental state in the evening: how much relief? persistent anxiety? Need to regain control? Pride in moving forward in letting go? Come on, you're on the right track, do it again the next day!
