They are said to be five in number. They are reputed to hinder our access to a full, complete and fulfilling being-self. Yet, we would all wear at least two. But what are these " wounds of the soul " ? How to dress them? And besides, do we absolutely have to fill these cracks or is it rather to become more aware of them, to learn to live with them... By dropping the masks !
This is what Canadian coach Lise Bourbeau, heiress to the school of bioenergetic analysis, invites us to do with her bestseller The Five Wounds That Prevent You from Being Yourself, published in 2000. The book identifies 5 wounds of the soul :
- Trahison,
- Rejet,
- Abandon,
- Atmosphere,
- Injustice
Each of these wounds corresponds to a mask...
Show your masks and I'll unmask your wounds
Whoever is in control would hide bitter betrayals
You are hyper-far-sighted, ultra-perfectionist and do not give others more room for error than you tolerate for yourself, you are constantly concerned that everything goes as you wish, you anticipate the request to propose (impose ?) your answers and solutions, you tend to tell others what to do and how to do it; you hate it when your (vision of) the framework is disturbed, or even challenged by alternative ways of acting, uses that derogate from the rules to which you are attached ; You want to be informed about everything and are happy to take the lead in directing the action.
There are of course qualities that develop and express themselves in this temperament... But sometimes you run into frustration (the world doesn't turn out exactly the way you'd like it to be, and you're powerless to change its course ; others don't fit into the mold you've mentally drawn for them, and you can't find the levers to get them to join your perspective) or even tensions and conflicts (haven't you already been told it's Painful in the end, these control-freak behaviors ?... And besides, you can always fight to impose your vision of things, people will only take more pleasure in making you go crazy by doing as they please — at least, that's the impression you get !).
What if behind this orthogenic posture, there was a wound of betrayal ? We readily attribute this wound of the soul to an Oedipus complex that is not completely (or badly) resolved.
The individual has not mourned the sharing with other people of the love he or she receives from a loved one, or even on whom he or she is vitally dependent. He feels with more or less intensity the manifestations of the freedom of one or the other as deprivations and exclusions.
And every new " betrayal " (your friends have other friends, or worse they see each other without you ; your spouse is passionate about their job or favorite hobby, spends a lot of time with their children or family ; your supervisor has as much, if not more, attention to one of your colleagues than to you ; your employees have a good relationship with members of other services...) reactivates your need for control !
Whoever is on the run would avoid rejection
You find it difficult to commit, you don't like to broach subjects that cause anger, you refuse dialogue when it aims in particular to confront points of view and could turn into conflict or be intended to resolve the conflict ; you avoid finding yourself in situations that expose you to fear, you procrastinate willingly, and you confuse " delegating " with " getting rid of hot potatoes" ; The more you are confronted with difficulties, the more you look for hermitage space-times, hoping that no one will come to find you in the retreat where you are taking refuge waiting for the storm to pass... Or on the contrary, you practice a headlong rush: you rush headfirst into the pile, at the risk of hitting walls; you put yourself at risk more often than not ; you make hasty decisions and make decisions in pain... But at least, that's how it's done !
Behind these flight behaviors, there could be a wound of rejection. Maybe in childhood you were confronted with contempt, denigration, being sidelined... And that it has left you with the traces of a feeling of not deserving the interest of others, of not being good enough for those around you, of being doomed to disappoint... So every time these feelings are reactivated by a situation where your narcissistic core is affected (you are reproached for your character traits or criticized for your physique, you are not paid attention, you are made to understand – or you think you understand – that you don't belong here or there, etc.), you tend to retreat.
Whoever is dependent would relive abandonment
It is impossible for you to detach yourself from the gaze of the other. It is difficult to make a decision without having the approval of others, without looking for external legitimacy to validate your choices and positions.
Moreover, when you seek approval, you also expect to find allies, you expect those who agree with you to commit to you, you have a conception of loyalty that sometimes borders on following.
You have an insatiable need for recognition and if you don't get signs that you matter to others, you oscillate between guilt (what did I do/not do so that I wouldn't be returned attention and love ?) and angry anger (I don't give a f*** about these people who don't know what they're missing out on by not checking in on me).
As for the limits, you prefer to have them imposed on you rather than to set them yourself... And too bad if the framework provided by the outside narrows you, deprives you of freedom(s), subjects you to abuses ; It is better to be contained, if not locked up, than left to your own devices. The feeling of loneliness often lurks in your life... And since you experience it as a suffering, you willingly get drunk on incessant social contact. You may transfer your fear of heights to " consumables " : shopping frenzy, devouring appetite or even bulimia for food and/or activities, taking addictive substances, workaholism...
Behind this predisposition to addictions, you could mask a wound of abandonment. You are sent back to the moments of emotional insecurity experienced in early childhood. This may have started as soon as you were born when, as soon as you came out of your mother's womb, you did not feel arms as cozy as the womb to gently and gradually manage your transition to autonomy ; it may have continued in situations where you have felt alone in the world, without any protection, finding no way to get help or comfort ; it reactivated every time you thought you could count on someone or something and the " pillar " slipped away...
And of course, each new experience of abandonment deepens your need to be fulfilled, even if it means stuffing yourself, making you sick by dint of excess.
Anyone who allows himself to be martyred would have been too used to humiliation
It's surprising how almost every time you need a scapegoat, it falls on you. And if it is not a whole group that makes you responsible for its ills, it seems that you are a good prey for toxic personalities, those who from coarseness to deviousness, from sadistic behavior to outright perversities, from attacks on your trust to acts of harassment playing on all the tools of the perfect little persecutor (attacks, Disrespect, contempt, denigration, checks, intimidation, exclusion, etc.), from malice to violence, reduce you to the state of a doormat.
This happens often enough to make you wonder : are you looking for it or what ? Are you masochistic ?
It could indeed be that you carry a dirty wound of humiliation leading you to find a paradoxical comfort in discomfort, an ambiguous sense of existence in abuse, a bivalent convenience in being in the position of victim rather than exposing yourself to the risk of feeling guilty.
The humiliations suffered in childhood would have the power to trap us in the victim posture of the dramatic triangle, where we would find our bearings better when we suffer the aggressions of an executioner and submit ourselves to the protection of a savior. There are two main reasons for this: first, our familiarity with suffering makes it less frightening than appeasement, which seems to be a path to a life without sensation, not to say a state of emotional death; then, our fear of becoming an aggressor, as if this meant making the one who has harmed us enter even deeper into us...
However, it is not uncommon for the martyr to become a cruel oppressor in turn, whether through the paths of aggressive passivity or more directly in the reproduction of the violence suffered.
He who is as stiff as justice would struggle with the wound of injustice
The rule is the rule. Is it stupid and senseless, unsuited to the circumstances, outdated, producing dysfunctions and possibly violence ?
That's not the point : when there is a framework, we respect it to the letter. When questioned on a social issue, you first refer to what the law says; Faced with a complex situation, you cling at all costs to the branches, however tenuous they may be, of rationality ; when it comes to adopting a point of view, you are attentive to the signs of formal and, to a lesser extent, informal legitimacy of those who hold opinions (you therefore consider by default that if someone succeeds in life, according to the socially established criteria of success, it is because there are many reasons for it and that you can therefore trust him/her) and conversely, you disqualify what deviates from the norm ; You have a long memory and don't forgive past mistakes, even if it makes you resentful . And when you play a board game, beware of those who would like to adapt the rules!
Have you ever been told that you are a bit psychorigid on the edges and in the middle ? Yes, you assume, it's always better than being ole-ole, reliable every other day and versatile as hell. Do we think you lack agility ? First of all, what is this fashionable concept that has grown limply in the field of soft-skills, these famous skills reputed to be of the future that you see as a vaguely edible cherry on the real big cake of classic skills that can be evaluated with strong objectivity !
What if, under this mask of inflexibility, you hid deep wounds of injustice ? You have been wronged in the past and it has damaged you, even traumatized you, without you being able to fully recover.
Since then, even if the landmarks are not perfect, they have the merit of existing and constituting so many buoys to hold on to in stormy weather... And to make sure you can take cover, you can never stay too far away from the norm. Every time a more or less anarchic situation leads to prejudice, you are only strengthened in your position : well, as soon as you start breaking the rule, it's the door open to all the windows and the misfortunes follow one another.
Criticisms and Uses of the Theory of Wounds of the Soul
Between disputed foundations, suspicions of simplifications and outright assignments, a disputed reading grid
The approach of individual accompaniment by the wounds of the soul is questioned above all for the so-called pseudo-scientific notions that are at its origins.
Indeed, theories on bioenergetic analysis are accused of bordering on quackery. There is indeed in their approach a whole series of assertions that are more spiritual than scientific, but which, presented under the colors of scientificity, imply that a discipline of personal development has the value of medicine.
Bourbeau's resumption of the subject of the wounds of the soul, in a clearly established framework of a reading grid for coaching, is less uncomfortable. Although his concept of inner divinity leaves the most rational minds a little doubtful. But here, what is reproached above all is the simplifying nature of the complexities of the human soul, which is certainly irreducible to five explanatory elements of all behaviors.
This criticism is coupled with a distrust of the possible effects of assignment that the software of the wounds of the soul can produce. Indeed, the reader of Lise Bourbeau's best-selling books could mentally imprison himself or herself in the idea that his or her profile corresponds to one, two or three wounds dressed in their respective masks. The therapist who relies too much on the pattern may also interact in a biased way with his or her patient, by restricting the horizon of his or her listening and reactions to what fits into the boxes of the model.
Nevertheless, this criticism tinged with mistrust has more of a place in a general concern about the ethics of those involved in individual support (whatever their title, doctor, psychotherapist, coach, etc.) than in questioning the reading grid. Because, obviously, anyone who would stick exclusively to analytical schemes cannot embrace all the complexity of an experience or qualitatively care for or guide his patients/coachees.
On the reasoned use of the grid of " wounds of the soul "
The issue is therefore that of the uses that are made of this analytical instrument (as of any tool available for support in psychology and personal development). Proposing, among other approaches, this key to interpretation is relevant to promote the liberation of speech on the " indigenous " of a journey : an abandonment that has fed fear, an injustice that has left a bitter taste, a betrayal that has damaged trust , a humiliation that has weakened self-esteem, a rejection that undermined the desire to be in relationship...
With the freedom of speech, comes the possibility of becoming aware of one's ways of being and acting : to realize that one is wearing masks is already to begin to take them off. It is to recognize the existence of a being oneself whose authenticity is blurred by behavioral tricks that are sometimes in dissonance with one's true personality and deep needs.
So, it is giving oneself the opportunity to take responsibility for this wounded being-self: to become its first healer by deceiving the preaching that this or that wound will always induce this or that way of acting ; to let oneself be tempted by letting go and to feel the mask that seemed so tenacious crumbling; enjoy regaining freedom when one escapes the established patterns; Innovate in one's ways of being in the world and also make more room, with benevolence and in all relational ecology, for the needs and personalities of others...
