EVEsians have the chance to learn about Nonviolent Communication (NVC) thanks to the conferences and workshops of Thomas d'Ansembourg, which are a hit every year at the seminary. But what exactly is this conscious communication that would initiate " a form of pacified and actively pacifying citizenship" ?
The editorial staff of the EVE web magazine has put the concept under the microscope.
Naturally violent communication?
What if our conflicts (both professional and personal) were not so much due to differences of opinion or irreconcilable interests, as to our way of communicating ? What is communication, by the way? A priori, it is an alternation between " listening " and " expressing ". What seems so simple on the surface would not be so simple in the end. It could indeed be that a form of latent violence is slipping into our exchanges, and that at the origin of many f***ing things are, regardless of the real substance of the conflicts, a " badly expressed " and a " badly listened to " !
Where, when we want to express a need, too often we position a reproach : " You don't listen to me! ", "Do you think I'm an idiot ? ", " You should have told me that you couldn't get away with this case ! ", " We can't trust you! "... How can we expect, then, that the other person will detect the unexpressed need? Faced with this type of sentence that attacks more than they address, there is a greater chance that we will brace ourselves rather than listen, that we will prepare our defense (or counterattack) rather than trying to give answers.
Bringing NonViolent Communication to Life
NVC's father, Marshall Rosenberg, was born in Ohio in 1934. It was by experiencing anti-Semitism in his early years that the future psychologist discovered his vocation as a peacemaker. Concerned about the suffering experienced by souls abused by human intolerance, the young Rosenberg found his inspiration in the person of psychologist Carl Rogers. The latter developed a current of psychotherapy in existential human psychology, called the " person-centered approach", which can be found in particular in the book that made him famous, On becoming a person, published in 1961.
Since inspiration is rarely drawn from a single source, the pope of NVC is also nourished by the analyses of the Chilean economist and environmentalist Manfred Max-Neef on basic human needs, as well as by the careers and speeches of great pacifist figures such as Gandhi, who inspires the " non-violent " dimension of his doctrine.
With a PhD in clinical psychology and a few years of practice later, notably as a mediator in American schools prone to racism issues, Marshall Rosenberg is testing his process. He died in 2015, after having spread his approach to more than 60 countries.
A sustainable pacifying company...
Marshall Rosenberg's legacy is not the least : he leaves behind a Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC), founded in 1984, as well as numerous books including the one published in 1999, " NonViolent Communication : a language of compassion ", considered the bible of NVC... And of course, many disciples around the world, who are now responsible for perpetuating his work.
In Europe, it was the former lawyer Thomas d'Ansembourg who set out to introduce and democratize the approach in Europe. Still unknown in France in the early 1990s, NVC became essential in the mid-2000s.
From the CNVC, a real network of actors has been built up who have given themselves the mission of promoting the discipline throughout the world by guaranteeing the integrity of the NVC process.
An individual approach aimed at collective impact
By advocating empathy, listening, welcoming others, the NVC process aims to pacify our inner world first. Because as Marcus Aurelius would say: " He who lives in peace with himself lives in peace with the universe " ! To listen, says Marshall Rosenberg, you must first listen to your own needs. It requires introspective action that is totally in line with a personal development process .
When we are realigned with ourselves, we can be able to listen to the other person without projecting our fantasies, judgments and expectations onto them. Once pacified internally, the individual can weave, maintain and grow positive relationships with his ecosystem.
The language of the heart : a tool to pacify dialogue
These positive relationships involve translating one's intentionality into impact, which requires three fundamental pillars: empathy, authenticity, and accountability. And it is through a 4-step method, known by the acronym OSBD, that these pillars are forged and consolidated:
- Observation: Describe the situation without judgment. What is it about the factual presentation of the facts that causes me a form of discomfort towards the other?
- Feeling : Express your feelings while taking care not to attack the other person. What do I feel, deep down ? Is it anger (I feel annoyed, troubled, resentful ?), or fatigue (I feel exhausted, helpless, powerless ?) or perhaps sadness (disappointed, desperate, ashamed ?) or fear (worried, shocked, upset)?
- Need: Identify and verbalize your underlying need. Do I need autonomy (to be able to make a choice, to have a space of freedom), integrity (respect, authenticity, trust, etc.), affection (belonging, bonds, tenderness)?
- Request: Formulate a request to meet this need, which meets the criteria : achievable, concrete, precise and positive.
In concrete terms, this gives sentences such as " When I see / I hear (Observation), I feel (Feeling). I would need (Need)... Would you agree to ... (Request)? For example :
" When you entrust me with a file and you modify it without consulting me before communicating it to the teams (Observation), I feel frustrated (Feeling) because I need my work to be recognized. Could we take the time in the future before the meeting to get together to share our impressions of what I have prepared (Request) ?"
Be careful, beware of "false feelings ", and the possible passive-aggressive drift in the expression of one's feelings : when we say for example that we are " misunderstood ", " abandoned ", " neglected" or " betrayed ", we drift towards interpretations that make us tip over to the dark side of judgment, reproach, even manipulation. " I feel ignored ", for example, is a false " I " that hides one of those " YOU " that " KILLS " (implying : you ignore me!).
The importance of being " real " first and foremost (including before trying to be nice, to paraphrase the title of Thomas d'Ansembourg's bestseller) when practicing NVC.
