In the midst of a boom in personal development, there are now countless books, podcasts, conferences and webinars on how to accept and manage your emotions. But does that mean we have all become “hypersensitive”? 

Is it really possible to “manage” our emotions, and those of others, especially our employees? Are managers really expected to handle every expression of sadness and anger—both their own and in their team? And how can you develop your emotional intelligence without adding to your mental load? Here are a few practical ideas.

Make room for emotions at work 

Are emotions taboo in the workplace? There was a time when people “compartmentalized” their lives, to the point of masking their emotions and being different at work from how they were in their private lives. In today’s world, we are increasingly accepted as whole beings, with bodies, heads and hearts. We know that everyone experiences emotions (fear, joy, sadness, anger, disgust, etc.) no matter where they stand on the corporate ladder.

This acceptance of emotions at work is largely due to the attention paid to quality of life at work, psychosocial risk prevention and the development of soft skills. It’s a proven fact: stifling your emotions is harmful to your health, it affects the quality of relationships, and gets in the way of centered  and balanced leadership. As a result, we really don't have a choice: emotions are there and ignoring them can cause real damage.

But are our emotions—and those of others—so easy to manage? Let's stop with misplaced modesty and hasty (self-)judgments when it comes to expressing emptions. People who cry are not weak, people who show anger are not hot-headed, people who laugh are not crazy, people feel anxious are not cowards, people who frown are not snobs. Each of us can feel any of these emotions at any time, and they are signals that sound the alarm about our intimate needs. Including at work.

In fact, especially at work, where there are often strong identity issues, challenging situations that shake up our daily routine, possibly power games that test our stability, even conflict. Wouldn’t it be better to accept our emotions? To let them in and accept them, rather than having them bubble up inside and burst out suddenly when something insignificant finally pushes us over the edge?

Taking responsibility together

It’s all very well having to deal with our own emotions, let alone those of others. We don’t all feel the same things at the same time. What turns one person on might scare someone else; what makes one person sad might make another person angry. What makes you feel bad may not arouse any reaction at all in your colleague. So how can we all just get along (and work together) surrounded amid such emotional chaos?

By taking responsibility as a group: everyone is tasked with accepting their own emotions; and everyone is invited to take the emotions of others into account. We are all responsible for the overarching emotional climate. But how do we make that happen? 

• Be honest with yourself: when you’re angry, for example, don't blindly stick to your position, thinking others are stupid for not agreeing with you. You should acknowledge your anger for what it is, a signal that you need something (to feel legitimate, to be recognized, to be respected, to gain more autonomy, and so on).

• Show empathy: the emotions of others are just as valid as yours. By putting yourself in another person’s shoes, you are better able to identify why they are reacting the way they are.

• Take an interest in group dynamics: when a person expresses an emotion, it does not only concern that person but also speaks to the context and situation. Expressing an emotion can in itself transform an environment (no one in a team feels quite the same after a good belly  laugh, after tears have flowed or anger has been triggered).

Acceptance and understanding

Once everyone’s responsibilities are clearly understood, the team will also need a way to address the emotions that come up in the group. Acceptance, or the art of receiving, is one of the keys to good emotion management.  Acknowledging someone’s right to feel what they feel, helping them name their emotion, and uncovering the need behind it all everyone understand each other better. In other words, recognizing that emotions are everyone’s business, whether they’re directly involved or affected from the sidelines.

But in practice, all these steps can feel like an overengineered process, especially when you consider how many feelings surge through a group on any given day. It is not so much about checking boxes but adopting a steady, thoughtful position and practicing it consistently. When an emotion is expressed, give it voice and space. If your colleague seems very upset by a situation, let them know you have noticed by giving them a kind look and/or asking them how they are doing; make yourself available to chat about what is bothering them (suggest getting a coffee with them), Listen, show interest, and try to identify the person’s underlying needs.

How Non-Violent Communication can help

The principles of Non-Violent Communication (NVC) can be helpful in this maieutic approach to expressing emotions—and the needs that come with them.

• Say what you see (stick to the facts): “I noticed that you seemed upset during the meeting...”

• Ask the person to share how they feel (help them put words to emotions): “Did what was said make you angry? Sad? Worried?”

• Express unmet needs (suggest taking a step further in the analysis of the emotion expressed): "What makes you particularly angry about what was said?" 

• Elicit a clear request (suggest converting the expression of the need into an action): “Do you think it would be useful to review this issue with the people involved, so that everyone can express their point of view more clearly and understands each other better? If so, what about taking a moment to debrief? As long as you set out the ground rules and stay clear about your intentions, there’s no reason it should add discomfort on top of what’s happened already.”

The key to NVC is to make as much room as possible for the first person “I”. On the one hand, you can make your unique voice heard subjectively, (but it is no more or less valid than any other subjective point of view), and avoid misunderstandings and feelings of aggression from others. In other words, expressing “I'm quite sad about what I heard the other day...”, is always more effective in starting a dialogue than throwing out “What you’re saying about […] is shocking. It’s selfish, and honestly, I’m only half surprised coming from you.” Between these two extremes, there are countless subtle nuances to adjust in order for your feelings, needs and requests to be understood as effectively as possible.