July 30 is the International Day of Friendship.
Well, well, what is " friendship " ? We're going to ask our favorite search engine. Immediately, it offers us among the most common queries " friendship woman man impossible " " friendship man woman does it exist? ". Come on, the question would still be relevant ?
Friendship, a love " without " ?
Here is a general definition of friendship : a reciprocal feeling of affection and sympathy that is not based on kinship or sexual attraction. Friendship would therefore be love without a couple/family project and without naughty ulterior motives.
A priori, since the majority of the relationships we have in life do not aim for such goals, there is nothing to prevent women and men from maintaining friendships with each other. Especially since if the romantic relationship often induces exclusivity, the friendly relationship is open to multiplicity.
But... But... But... It seems that as soon as a woman and a man enter into a relationship, it is " ambiguous ".
What does the science say?
So, what does the science say? Because yes, science has looked into the problem of intersex friendships, and not just once.
In 1974, the psychologists Maccoby and Jacklin published works on the difference between the sexes in which the principle of a separation of girls and boys in childhood was established. According to them, the two sexes will not really meet until puberty, when hormonal tickling will lead them to the exercise of seduction.
From this perspective, it can be said that the relationship between women and men is indeed polarized around the possibility of sexuality. But Maccoby & Jacklin's conclusions are not corroborated by research in human biology that would provide firm and definitive proof that sexuality presides over all forms of relationships between women and men.
Biology has nevertheless shown that friends share not only interests but also a number of physical and physiological traits, but also genes ! In other words, you're more likely to naturally have bits of DNA in common with your buddy than sexual attraction to him/her.
What do humans think?
The best way to know is to ask the first people concerned.
How do women and men see the possibility of their friendship ? Well, not in the same way, according to a study by the University of Wisconsin : Men are twice as likely as women to consider signs of attention, affection and tenderness in friendships as " openings " for a sexual relationship. On the other hand, women are quicker to prefer to make friends with other girls than men with each other : while 28% of men say they are open to an intersex friendship, only 17% of women risk it. The gap widens even further if we consider the population of people in couples : less than one in 10 women with make-up allows themselves to have male friendships, while more than one in 4 men in the same marital situation allow themselves to have female friendships.
Generational changes
But the relationship to friendship between women and men changes significantly from one generation to the next. If 40 years ago, young men said they had no or almost no girl friends, today more than 30% of them feel as good or better in friendship with a woman as with a man.
And then, today's women and men no longer make a big deal out of ambiguity. While we speak of " sex friends " to evoke friendships infused with sexual intercourse and the " friendzone " to talk about seductive relationships that turn into an unbalanced love relationship, the psychoanalysis expert in romantic relationships Sophie Cadalen invokes the Brazilian concept of " colored friendship". These are cuddly friendships, where body language is allowed to manifest tenderness, support, closeness... In short, to fully experience intimacy.
A heteronormative question
This evolution is also encouraged by the contestation of heteronormativity. Because in the end, this story of possible or impossible friendship between women and men is only a question to be asked on the one hand on the condition that individuals define themselves first and foremost by their gender and that we consider the sexual and romantic relationship in the heterosexual context on the other hand.
But from the moment that we register, if not in gender fluidity, in a certain indifference towards the sexual markers of individuals and that we take into account the whole field of romantic and sexual orientations, there is ultimately no more reason to question the friendship between a woman and a man than the friendship between two men, the friendship between two women, the friendship between two people quite simply.
Putting the authenticity of the relationship back at the center of the motif
What the evolution of the conversation on male-female friendship tells us is the need for relational authenticity that is expressed with new acuity. In friendship as in love, at work, in the family, in society, the codification of relationships is no longer enough to maintain and nourish the bond of commitment and attachment. It is no longer enough to have been a classmate, invited to a wedding, integrated into a group of friends to feel friends. It is no longer enough to be married or to count the years of life in a relationship to feel in love. It is no longer enough to work in the same company to feel like a colleague. Each association requires justification by the quality of the interactions and the contribution to the shared good that is the relationship.
