In a world and in an era that sees human interactions multiply (thanks in particular to the diversification of real and virtual points of contact), diversify (due to new forms of coexistence of cultures, generations, sexes, etc.) and therefore become more complex, what more promising title than that of the latest book by Sylvie Bernard-Curie* and Christophe Deval**:  Simplify your relationships with others?

The editorial staff of the EVE web magazine has read this perfect anti-manual of personal development, which, in support of the teachings of the ACT (Acceptance & Comitment Therapy) movement, dismantles many preconceived ideas and other ready-made " recipes " of relational performance, to invite everyone to set in motion three key " forces " to weave and maintain relationships with oneself and others that are simpler and more aligned with one's own deep aspirations.

A masterclass of lucid, warm, benevolent and concrete optimism to get to know each other better and to recognize better in order to better understand each other, better understand each other, and better progress together. Synthesis.

But why is it so complicated ?

We love (our spouse, our children — even teenagers, yes, yes — our family, our ami.es...), we esteem (our partners, our colleagues, our collaborators...), we respect (our superiors, our client.es, our voisin.es...) or at least we normally know how to change things in everyday human relationships.

So, why so many misunderstandings, tensions and tensions that have no equal in setting the little mental bikes in motion, making us climb the curtains or dream for a moment of a career as a tyrant who does not need to be understood to be heard (bellicose option) or of a long hermit's retreat on a secret island (pacifist option, but which carries the risk of being boring quickly)? 

Because first, we must not lie to ourselves: maintaining relationships with others is never trivial, even though it is perfectly vital. In fact, it is even because it is vital to us, that it involves high stakes and exposes us. Don't panic, we're just emotional beings, it happens to a lot of good people!

It is true, however, that we have been taught that everything is in the head, and we have understood that everything is in our head. In other words, not only do we reason from our point of view — and the more difficult the relationship becomes, the more we are tenté.es to fall back into it — but we also tend to consider that the solution to our difficulties is to be sought in our thoughts, even though experience regularly shows us that they are an effect on the course of reality.

Meeting our relational values

It is rather on the side of our values, say Sylvie Bernard-Curie and Christophe Deval***, that we must look for sources and resources to live more satisfying relationships. By values, auteur.es very simply mean " what you value ". For example, you are deeply sensitive to benevolence and/or fiercely attached to independence and/or intimately driven by the spirit of responsibility, and/or in power of serenity and/or it is important for you to exert influence, etc.

Start by clarifying what really makes sense to you and is at the heart of your expectations for the relationship with others. These are your " strong supports ," which, like the firmly planted roots of a tree, keep you upright even in strong turbulence and great winds of change.

Let's develop our " psychological flexibility" (strength n°1)

But standing in the storm, it's not as steep as a stake! It is to be consistent between what matters to you and what the context allows. This requires an effort to focus, explain Sylvie Bernard-Curie and Christophe Deval, on one's own inner context in a situation : What emotions arise ? What thoughts are grafted onto it? What false story am I perhaps telling myself and the other person by letting the blades of my fan of guilt, fear or anger run at full speed?

A heightened awareness of one's ways of functioning allows one to identify as many traps as one sets for oneself in order to restore one's margins of freedom in the choice of behavior to adopt in sensitive or difficult situations.

Let's strengthen our empathy (strength n°2)

We are also better aware of what is going on inside us, and we are better outillé.es to understand what others feel, experience and expect. In other words, to develop our empathy. Like profilers  expérimenté.es TV shows, we can learn to " see the world through the eyes of others ."

The exercise is primarily sensory, which consists of opening their eyes and listening to gather information about their personality, their reactions, their emotional state in a given situation.

He then calls for a form of imagination, to formulate hypotheses ; but also qualities of rigor so as not to confuse what we perceive of the behavior of the other and what we interpret, think and judge (be careful, for example, not to " read " the behavior of a colleague who expresses dissatisfaction as proof of the conviction that one had a priori of her plaintive temperament). Finally, we submit to the other person what we have perceived of his or her vision of things to allow him or her to confirm or deny all or part of it.

A mark of attention to the other at the same time as a technique to get to know them better, empathy makes it possible to circumscribe an area of emotional resonance, which is also the space for the expression of a healthy benevolence conducive to frank and constructive relationships.

Let's find our right balance (force n°3)

In a duo, there are three of us! There is me, there is the other and there is the relationship, this common good that we have the shared responsibility to nourish and maintain, to care for and, if necessary sometimes, to repair.

From testimonies of gratitude to movements towards the other, from moments of connivance to attentions that hit the mark, from outstretched hands to nudges, from sincere joy for everyone's enthusiasm and success to an offer to share ideas, feelings or projects, each action is a gift to the relationship, an additional thread that weaves the link and solidifies it.

For each party, the challenge is to contribute to the enrichment of the bond without stripping themselves, if not discarding all their personal resources in the relationship. Fully investing in the relationship with the other also involves developing and maintaining a good relationship with oneself, also made of benevolence, empathy, generosity and flexibility.