It's decided, it's part of your good resolutions and you intend to stick to it : from now on, you will dare to say no ! But how to do it ? The editorial staff of the EVE webmagazine shares with you tips from experts in assertive negotiation and non-violent communication.

Removing the brakes

Fear of not being heard or understood, of hurting, of confronting hostility or even of robbery, of leaving a distorted image of your personality or your intentions, of missing out on an opportunity, of closing doors to you forever... It's crazy how many reasons there are to forbid yourself from saying no ! But for many, these are limiting beliefs.

So, let's reopen the field of possibilities and to do this, let's start by settling the accounts of the frustrating experiences we have gone through — without digesting them — when we have refused. Let's analyze these situations in cold blood to identify what happened to you, what you understood about the other person's feelings, what consequences it had on the relationship. By putting things in a non-judgmental way, it is possible to relativize a large number of events perceived as dramatic in order to learn to do better later.

Training exercise

Come on, on a sheet, we draw a table with 4 columns.

• 1st column : we give a name to a situation in which we have said " no ". It's very important to name things, an essential step to start seeing things more clearly. Examples : " Refusal to give X a raise", " Refusal to take such and such a position ", " Refusal to support Y in his difficulties with Z ".

• 2nd column : we note what we felt when we expressed this " no ". Several feelings and emotions can coexist, even contradictory.

Examples : " Anger ", " Relief ", " Fear of disappointing ", " Embarrassment ", " A feeling of uneasiness ", " The feeling of being in the right "...

• 3rd column : what the other person expressed, verbally or not, the way he reacted... Be careful not to attribute intentions to him or to overinterpret these words and gestures, we remain as factual as possible.

Examples : " She/he burst into tears", " She/he made a curious pout ", " She/he counter-argued ", " She/he left without saying anything", " She/he thanked me for my frankness ", " She/he showed anger/sadness "...

• 4th column : what we perceive of the impacts of this situation on the relationship.

Examples : " After that, our relations have been more distant ", " Better respect for the rules since then ", " A professionalisation of our exchanges ", " a succession of misunderstandings ", " mutual mistrust"...

Then, arm yourself with a red pen and a green pen: with the first, underline everything that appears to you to be negative in columns 2, 3 and 4 and with the second everything that seems to you to be positive. All you have to do is consider that you can capitalize on the green and think about how you can go about neutralizing the red in other ways!

Knowing what you say " yes " to when you say " no "

We don't say " no " for the sake of saying " no ". But because there are important issues at stake for you. In reality, behind every refusal we want to address to others, there is the preservation of something we hold dear.

That's what we have to put our finger on! But it is not always easy because morality willingly gets involved: if, for example, one wishes to have one's legitimacy respected, one readily reproaches oneself for an infantile relationship with authority ; if you want to set limits, you are afraid of being seen as rigid ; if one wishes to remain neutral in a conflict, one is quick to worry about its possible cowardice ; If you want to decide what you do with your money, you don't want to be seen as stingy either...  

So, here again, the key is non-judgmental lucidity: yes, we have interests ; Yes, we have values ; Yes, we are attached to certain things. So what ? The key is to know how to express it explicitly in order to be heard and understood, without leaving the other person in vague expectations or blurred frustrations that would be conducive to all interpretations.

Training exercise

This time, three columns are being erected.

• In the first part, identify situations where you didn't dare to say " no ".

• Opposite, in the second column, indicate what motivated your desire to say " no ".

• Then, in the third column, indicate the effect it had on you to go against your needs by accepting something you would have preferred to refuse.

Reproduce on a second sheet the items in the 3rd column and position the values to which you are attached in front of each item.

For example, you noted " I felt like my hand was being forced" and it touched on your attachment to " consent ", " respecting your rhythm ", the need to " take into consideration different points of view".

In this way, you identify anchoring elements that you can communicate to your interlocutors in a situation where they have to say no. For example : " I understand that this is important and urgent for you. But I am extremely committed to respecting the time I need to make a quality decision and I ask you not to try to force my hand because it is also important for me to preserve my feeling of freedom ."

Proposing alternatives

In order for your " no" to be heard, accepted and respected, it must be felt that you have taken into account the other person's point of view and that you are of good will. You don't have to justify yourself when you express a refusal, but it's important to preserve the self-esteem of the other person.

Also, as often as possible, it is necessary to offer him a way out from the top or, even better, a fair alternative. A way out from the top is first and foremost a message that preserves pride and reassures the person that it is not their identity or personality that is at stake : " I say no, because it's not possible for me, but it doesn't take away from your qualities and the respect I have for you and for all of who you are ". A fair alternative is to adjust the proposal that prompted your rejection to make it acceptable from your point of view : " Under these conditions, I can't say yes to you.

However, in a shorter period of time/with more means/if you reassure me on this or that point/if we can work together on the objectives/if we provide guarantees etc., I think we can find a satisfactory common ground for both of us." The key is to always refocus on fundamental interests: identify what really matters to you and accompany the other person in expressing what is really important to them.

In this way, you will be able to exercise your creativity to build solutions that are all the more solid if they have been negotiated on the basis of well-established interests.

Training exercise

Think of a situation in which you had to go against your will. Identify what it hurt in you, in terms of interests and values. Try, in a benevolent and non-judgmental way , to make assumptions about what was at stake for the person in front of you in order to be able to imagine another scenario " When I implied that for his or her raise it was not automatically won, he/she began to argue with a certain aggressiveness about the results of his colleagues, whom he/she considered inferior to his/hers.

Maybe it's a person who needs to compare to be reassured that they are considered in their uniqueness and that they are being recognized. If that's what it's about, then maybe instead of giving in to her pressure while telling her that I didn't really like it when colleagues were beaten up, I should have focused the exchange on this issue of the need for recognition and worked with her on the need to cooperate rather than compete and agree on objectives in this area for the coming year."

Don't hesitate to do this exercise on very innocuous situations in everyday life, in order to maintain your empathy reflex and your ability to imagine constructive alternatives.