In 1925, the anthropologist Marcel Mauss suggested that giving and receiving gifts is about more than generosity. It’s actually the key to social relationships. When that key becomes rusty, everyone involved loses faith, trust breaks down and cooperation stops. So how do we polish that key and keep it turning? How do we reach the point where giving doesn’t drain us, and receiving doesn’t turn into an obligation that goes beyond what’s reasonable?

Jean-Édouard Grésy—a speaker at the EVE Program and co-author with Alain Caillé of Œil pour œil, don pour don (An eye for an eye, a gift for a gift)—believes this approach needs to be adapted for the world today: understanding gifts helps you better discern the foundations of “living and working together.” Let's look at six common ideas and see how true or false they are, and how we can warm up our working relationships.  

Gifts are free

False. We often romanticize giving, treating it as pure generosity with no thought of anything in return. It’s a lovely idea, but only part of the picture. As Jean-Édouard Grésy points out, “it’s important to understand the difference between free and unconditional”. Giving is always a leap of trust because you never know what, if anything, you will get in return.  And in the best relationships, there are so many gifts and counter gifts that there is no longer any need to keep track, because you can’t possibly know who is in credit and who is in debt. That’s actually the goal, and gift giving and receiving feels “free”.

A contract allows a relationship to end: “we’re even, so we part ways”. A gift, however, maintains it. “As long as we owe each other something, we’re supposed to meet again to reciprocate.” In other words: a contract terminates, a gift binds together. Without this productive imbalance, teams would be made up of people who are “even”, therefore... separate.  

Gifts are often invisible

True. Many give, but few feel recognized. “This gap is explained by the fact that we don’t all speak the same language of generosity,” as Jean-Édouard Grésy explains.   

Some give their time, others their ideas, still others their good humor or their network. But when interactions don’t align, generosity becomes inaudible and the gift invisible. Our expert distinguishes the four main “languages of giving”:  

• Affection: attentiveness, friendliness, caring gestures  
• Consideration: feedback, explicit recognition  
• Involvement: services rendered, helping hands  
• Inspiration: ideas, transmission, putting things into perspective  

In the workplace, an inspiring manager may ignore the efforts of a colleague who shows great affection, causing a misunderstanding of emotional language that leads to disengagement. “There is no shortage of gifts in companies, but there is a shortage of recognition,” clarifies Jean-Édouard Grésy.  

Giving creates debt  

True. “But debt is a blessing!” according to Jean-Édouard Grésy. Certainly, a gift commits one to reciprocation, but not immediately and not in monetary terms. To be “indebted” for a gift means being in a relationship. It follows then that time plays a key role: there is no deadline for reciprocation. “And between a gift and a counter-gift, weeks, months, or even up to two years can pass, if you believe Marcel Mauss,” continues our expert. That delay and desire to reciprocate is actually what keeps the relationship alive. The only exception is the “mafia gift,” one that cannot be reciprocated. As Jean-Édouard Grésy reminds us: “A gift is virtuous when it leaves the freedom to reciprocate.”  

Real toxicity, therefore, lies not in debt, but in domination disguised as generosity. When a gift confines the other to a position of inferiority or obligation, it ceases to be a bond and becomes a means of control.  

Reciprocal gifts are frightening

True, but they shouldn’t be. While giving seems natural, receiving something in return often causes discomfort. We fear that we won’t live up to expectations, that we might unbalance the relationship, or appear indebted. However, as the specialist points out, that discomfort often stems from confusion: “the counter-gift is not a debt to be settled, but a relational movement that maintains the bond.”  

The fear of reciprocation betrays our culture of calculation: we want everything to be fair, immediate, quantifiable. “This anxiety says a lot about our society,” observes Jean-Édouard Grésy, “we have never before communicated so much and shared so little.” “One in four people in France now feel lonely.” Yet nothing brings more happiness than high quality relationships. A certain psychological security comes about at work when you know who you can count on and who you count for. If there is discomfort or misunderstanding in a relationship, you need to talk about it in order to readjust and preserve the bond.  

A counter-gift must always measure up to the original gift

False. Perfect symmetry does not exist, and even less so in human relationships. A counter-gift does not have to be equal to the original gift, because it is not about giving back in the same way, but about keeping the relationship alive. “The gift does not call for equivalence, it calls for a form of reciprocity,” our expert reminds us. What is given back does not need to be proportional, it simply needs to be meaningful and maintain the momentum. The relationship matters more than the gift itself. “Intention and action are what matter most.” 

It is possible to have relationships without exchanging gifts   

False. Social bonds are nourished by exchanges, whether they are explicit or implicit. With each interaction, an idea, a service, or a gesture of attention is exchanged.  

A purely contractual world of work, where everyone sticks to their job description, might seem like a good idea, but it would lead to exhaustion for everybody. In the words of Jean-Édouard Grésy, “a team that no longer knows how to give, receive, and reciprocate will eventually stop talking to each other.” Giving, even in small amounts, creates recognition; reciprocal giving, in turn, maintains cooperation. Without this circulation, the connection freezes and with it, all collective intelligence.

Selma Hammou for the EVE web magazine