How many times have we had the feeling of not having listened to the other well, in our personal lives, by dint of having wanted to interpret too much, to give advice very quickly but in fact, to fall short... Or at work, when an employee had to repeat his sentence twice before we really paid attention...

With the risk of hurting, of making the other person uncomfortable, without really wanting to, simply because hearing is not necessarily listening. Due to lack of time, we hear, but we rarely have the opportunity to listen to the words of the person in front of us. To put themselves within his reach. Between the message we want to convey and the one that is actually retained, there is a world that active listening can partly fill !

A not-so-recent concept, born in psychology

Attentive listening is broader than empathy, which tends to identify the emotions of others, in order to know how to name them. Active listening is a concept that originated in the work of psychologist Carl Rogers in the 50s. But neither the Taylorist period nor the leadership of the 80s strangely imported this communication technique into business !

It was not until the last decade that active listening was considered one of the essential keys to the success of a dialogue, the management of projects, the construction of a benevolent management.

Here are some tips to learn how to practice it.

Be physically in tune with each other

Active listening, explains Emilie de Bueil, psychologist, coach and psychotherapist, requires above all physical movement, a prerequisite that is often misunderstood : " For there to be a being together, I have to feel the energy of the other, their rhythm of speech, forgetting my own. If the connection is made, then I'll be able to speed up, slow down in the conversation, abdicating my own pace."  

In active listening, I cannot rush the other person : if I feel that my colleague wishes to express a thought, but that this action is difficult for him, I must have experienced the fact that this formulation was difficult for him. If I tell him " speed up ", I miss what the person is trying to show me through several signals.  " We have to put ourselves on the same level, not impose ourselves," continues Emilie de Bueil.

The problem is that the company cherishes responsiveness, and generally relies in its organization on a hierarchical construction: two characteristics that can a priori be obstacles to active listening. But it also requires a lot of time and investment in the relationship with the other. However, a manager does not always have one. It requires concentration and availability of mind : for example, in interaction, do not underestimate what constitutes one of the primary mines of information: non-verbal language. It is therefore recommended to look at the person a lot, face to face, to try to grasp what his body is saying.

Put aside the culture of feedback !

The company overvalues the feedback experience as a tool for progress and performance. The reality is that the feedback, formulated by a hierarchical superior, can in certain situations be poorly expressed and therefore poorly received by the other person, with the consequence of a risk of weakening the trust of the other person.

In short, a counterproductive effect depending on how it is practiced. For example, if a manager corrects his employee on his commercial technique, his way of approaching his customer, there is a good chance that the person will retract or even inhibit himself.

On the contrary, the practice of active listening invites the person in front of them to become aware of their professional practices, without overhanging, explains Emilie de Bueil : " I will make the other person talk about their practice, and when they hear themselves thinking, they will develop solutions themselves. It is doubly active because the employee can hear his own repetitions, realize that his thought is dichotomous, or too full of resistance, but it is also very active on the part of the listener, who embraces the other's vision of the world, his values.  »

Reformulation, the key to active listening

Between what we say, and what we think we have said, what the other hears, what he has not heard, or what he interprets, there is often a very significant loss. Reformulation is one of the concrete tools that will allow you to get around this problem, which is the source of so many misunderstandings.

On the manager's side, it is important to summarize in a few main ideas what the person in front of you has just told you. This already means that we have listened well. It can also be very useful to practice this practice with someone you know. A little practical exercise: you devote about twenty minutes to a friend or colleague, and at the end of the exchange try to reformulate the other person's ideas.

This will quickly understand whether you are missing out or not. This is the first part of the work. " Rephrasing helps to tell the other person that you have heard correctly, but, beyond that, to make the other person aware of what he or she is saying ," explains Emilie de Bueil.

The second part of the work consists of bouncing back on the proposed reformulation. The employee becomes aware of what he or she did not say or said badly. The idea is then to move forward in the discussion, by managing to get the other person to say what he or she really wants to express in order to be understood. His arguments externalized and thus summarized by his interlocutor, he can then move on to a successive stage of his thought.

Ask open-ended questions!

Curiosity  opens the chakras. Asking open-ended questions to your interlocutor invites them to reformulate their arguments without judging them and proves your interest. Open-ended questions are always better perceived because they have the advantage of collecting the degree of support, or rejection, of a proposal.

They make it possible to neutralize suspicions, effects of interpretation that can emanate more from closed questions. In an interview with your manager, for example, you express the desire to evolve and to manage a person or a team in turn. The latter replies " I hear your proposal ". The idea is then to ask him: " But what do you hear, what do you remember from this proposal ?" and this, in order to make him clarify his thoughts. Instead of asking him: " Do you think I am legitimate for this position ?" 

Banish hierarchical distance

A tool for well-being at work, active listening is also and above all a tool for progress in the company. This practice aims to bring everyone to a better place. It is not a question of performance via numerical objectives, nor of increased productivity, but of improving qualitatively, by listening to your own pitfalls, shortcomings, and your strengths.

Actively listening to your superiors can allow you to surpass yourself. However, it's hard to forget that your manager in front of you doesn't have a hidden agenda, short-term needs...

In any case, this is the little music that you might have in mind as an employee, and that will prevent you from reaping all the benefits of active listening. In reality, the interests of each party can be clearly identified without false naivety. " If done well, active listening can be felt, and there is no longer any suspicion. In the long term, if listening is purely self-interested, it ends up being seen," explains Emilie de Bueil.

But it undoubtedly requires a postponement of our paradigms, which is perhaps quite delicate. Like considering your manager as a being above others. " In active listening, the idea that excellence is on the side of the superior is totally absent. Excellence is specific to each individual, we simply have to help the other to achieve his or her excellence,"  explains Emilie de Bueil.

If a nurse, a surgeon, a blacksmith, needs to imitate the gesture of a trainer in order to eventually appropriate it, it is only thanks to him that he will finally be able to achieve his excellence. While we ultimately learn little from criticism – neuroscience has proven how much fear inhibits the activity of neurons – conversely, an intense activity of exchange, co-elaboration, accompanied by encouragement are synapse agitators.

Do I want my employee to learn, or to execute ? If I want him to learn, I will have to twist my vision of the world a little, and practice active listening!

Change the frame

There is nothing better than getting out of the professional framework to annihilate the hierarchical distance between two people. As the office is one of the materializations of career advancement, a symbolic marker, it is recommended to favor a friendly place, such as a café, even for a short exchange.

Practice active listening... remotely ?

With the perpetuation of teleworking, what about active listening? How to adopt her posture and create the relationship she needs from a distance ? Psychologists have been able to adapt their practice in times of confinement, and continue their sessions remotely. Because in reality, active listening is perhaps even more necessary in these times of social distancing, lack of teamwork, interrupted contacts.

Distance can even be an opportunity, provided that we are aware of the limits imposed by this new framework of dialogue. Because videoconferencing, by offering a great zoom on the face of the other, can help develop active listening.

From a distance, I am almost forced to be focused on the expressions of the person who is speaking to me, instead of letting my gaze and my imagination wander in the meeting room. It will be necessary to redouble efforts to capture weak signals, eye movements, hair movements, change of tone, passing expressions... to decipher the other. But be careful !

This also implies playing the honesty card from the beginning of the exchange. If I am facing a personal problem, and fatigue or bad mood can be read on my face, I should not hesitate to say so at the very beginning of the interview, to neutralize the hasty effects of interpretation, by wrongly suggesting for example that this dark face is linked to the interview. The second constraint is that the words chosen are even more decisive to avoid over-interpretation by your interlocutor.

Not being in a moment of exchange and joint attention, we can quickly analyze each micro-information, and each word of the other ! You have to compensate for the lack of information by using the most precise words possible, and by verbalizing the elements of your own context.