When you’re facing a crisis, dealing with a tense situation, or even overthinking something small, everyone knows it’s best to try and let go. But how do you actually do that? How do you admit that you can’t control everything, that some things are out of your hands? How do you stop trying to fix it all and start looking at the situation with a little more distance, and a little more peace? Is that even possible? Because letting go isn’t natural. And it’s even more difficult when stress starts piling up. Here are some useful tips on how to practice the art of letting go, without giving up.
- Realize that letting go doesn’t work on command
Have you ever been spiraling in your own head, going frantically round and round in your hamster wheel, only for someone to come along and say, “You really need to relax”? No matter how well-meaning they are, your first instinct might be to snap back “You really need to mind your own business.”
Telling yourself “I need to let go, I need to relax” won’t help either. Letting go isn’t something you can force yourself into. Why? Because letting go means giving up control. If you’re feeling anxious and your control reflexes are going full tilt, ironically there is one thing you absolutely can’t control and that’s losing control!
It’s simply not possible to obey an order to relax. Instead of commanding yourself to “just let go”, ask yourself, “What’s the worst that could happen if I did?” Make a list of the possible consequences, from the most trivial to the most disastrous, of stepping back and not taking over.
Exercise: Practice on a low-stakes personal situation in which you know you tend to take control. For example, preparing meals or organizing a vacation. What might happen if you don’t handle everything? Worst case scenario, dinner doesn’t happen or the vacation falls through. More likely: dinner’s a bit late, perhaps not perfectly balanced, or the holiday destination isn’t quite as nice as last year’s. Best case scenario: people grumble a bit, then take charge of dinner—or planning the vacation—themselves. Suddenly the stakes don’t seem quite as high.
- Question your relationship with control
Letting go is hardest for control freaks, perfectionists, and those grappling with imposture syndrome! If that sounds like you, it might be time to question your relationship with control: what’s really at play when you feel the need to control everything? What lies behind the belief that it’s up to you to manage how things unfold? And why is it so difficult when things don’t go exactly to plan? In psychoanalysis, this is called omnipotence, or the fantasy of omnipotence: it’s a very deeply buried fear that starts in the fetal stage (according to certain theories) and is linked to experiences of separation and dependence. In other words, control reflexes kick in when we fear we might lose something or lack something. But what exactly? A sense of identity? Validation and admiration from others? A feeling of security? Confidence (in yourself or in others)? Power? Love and attention from those closest to you?
Explore the underlying fears that interfere with your need for control… Get to know them, so you can start calming them outside situations where they take over.
Exercise: Identify a current concern in your professional life. Maybe it’s the need for recognition, your drive to be perfect, or the importance you attach to your company). Try to identify what happens inside when that expectation isn’t met. Does it knock your self-esteem? Your trust in others? Your sense of belonging? Now think back to moments in your personal life that triggered similar feelings: being misunderstood, losing your footing, fearing you weren’t loved enough. With that insight, start to see your workplace as somewhere you are free to do things differently. A space where you don’t have to keep repeating old patterns.
- Practice letting go in small doses
When someone tells you to “just let go”, it can feel like you’re being asked to leap into a void. But letting go doesn’t mean giving up wholesale! You can start small. Let go of a few things and focus more on others. Try it in small doses: ease your grip on the little things in your life, the ones without major consequences. See what benefits come from lightening your mental load. Then, when you’re ready, relieve a second point of tension… Then, little by little, eliminate most of the self-imposed obligations that were quietly weighing you down.
Exercise: At the start of the weekend, or better still at the start of your vacation, resist the urge to plan every meal, every outing, every bathroom slot. Observe how you feel: at first, you might be frustrated, feel guilty, or upset that it is getting out of hand. Stand firm and look around. Are others stepping up? Are they asking you for help with explicit requests, or are they waiting for you to read their minds as usual?
Are they paying you less attention now they are doing more? Later in the evening, check in with yourself. Do you feel relief? Lingering anxiety? The urge to regain control? Or pride in the progress you’ve made? Wherever you land, you’re on the right track. Try again tomorrow.
